remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I deserve this hangover.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
