my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
