I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
