The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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