i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Randomize
