You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
