I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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