my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
