She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
