Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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