Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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