He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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