My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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