At least make sure they are 18
Why
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
