Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
