Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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