A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
