Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He's a Shit stain on my heart
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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