And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
