i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
a search helicopter?!
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
