Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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