You're completely useless in the revolution.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
In other news, I just burned my penis
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
