I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
