so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
