Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
