DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
