You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
