i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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