she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
