So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
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