Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
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