I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
