Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
