Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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