they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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