If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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