i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
