Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
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