Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
