i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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