The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
