My boss' voice literally gives me gas
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
