The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize