If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
