he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
