New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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