Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
