There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
BRING THE BAGELS
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
