but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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