I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
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