Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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