I just threw up on my dentist
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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