We're like a lot better than the average bears
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
