I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
