Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Oh god it's open bar.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
