my mouth tastes like poor choices
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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